In the interest of truth in advertising, and lest you all think things have been a bed of roses here, I have to tell you something, in the past few weeks, a good old depression has set in. Like all depressions, this one moved slowly, seeping its way into the cracks and crevices until it was able to blow them wide open. I didn’t even realize that it had happened, until questioning why I’ve been so tired and worn out lately Chris replied, “Depression will do that to you.”
Damn, smack me upside the head but he was right! I kept attributing the tiredness to recovery, first from the lumpectomy and then from the port procedure but really, seven days should be more than enough time to recover from that procedure and yet I was crashed on the couch most afternoons.
Oh, and did I mention the crying jags – sometimes hitting out of nowhere, sometimes stupid commercials would trigger them, and sometimes me, watching TV shows in which someone has cancer (bad move – btw – Grey’s Anatomy viewing has been temporarily suspended in our house though I can usually brace my way through an episode of House).
So, if Bravery is action in the face of fear, for me Depression becomes inaction in the face of fear – because that’s pretty much what I do when depressed, sit on the couch in a ball and do nothing. So my cure for depression? Simple, action.
That’s why over the past two days, I’ve washed, dried, folded and put away bins full of laundry, worked more hours than I probably have in the last two weeks combined, taken Sammi for Bat Mitzah lessons, swim practice and for her physical (she’s not a happy camper, having gotten three shots yesterday), not to mention watching Becky’s swim meet yesterday (they won, and Becky shaved two seconds off her best time in 100 free – hopefully she can keep that up).
It’s not really a cure though – I think if I just stay busy, stay moving, I don’t have time to think (Jill Ladota once told me, back when I started college that I think too much). So, it just keeps the depression at bay – shoving it back into the recesses of my head, back into the cracks and crevices. I know this, because last night, after answering several phone calls in the span of a ten minutes, as soon as we walked in the door, it exploded again this time though in the form of some seriously irrational anger, which quickly subsided but did have me yelling at everyone (including poor Fala who was just trying to snag some of my dinner when I wasn’t looking).
Anyway, it’s in the back of my mind now, and Lisa’s taking me to the gym this morning before I go wig shopping, so that should keep it under control for a while (at least until we get into the chemo room this afternoon).
Depression
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I admire the way you are dealing with all of your emotions and the way you can talk about them so openly. Like Amy said, keep talking and throw those plates!
Kim, keeping tuned in to yourself is a very good survival technique, and it comes naturally to you.
And Chris is so tuned in to you, too.
Allow all of us to be your shoulders to lean on.
Hope it went well today.
Keep talking, honey. And it doesn’t always have to be positive. You deserve a good oldfashioned tamper tantrum. We’ll hand you some old plates and get out of the way.
**Hugs**
Great post, Kim. Half the battle with depression is recognizing it.
Take your camera with you wig shopping.
I’d love to see what you have to choose from, and what you decide on.
I think you have a good handle on the bundle of emotions roaring in your head – it is all part of the package, so just keep doing what you’re doing. The anger, the depression, the exhaustion, it’s all normal and I know that keeping busy is key to the light at the end of the tunnel. Trust me, there are times to keep busy and times to be a ball on the couch – I will be thinking good thoughts for you today.
Kim, nobody with a brain thinks that what you are going through is a bed of roses. In a relatively short period of time you have been through a huge number of unwanted, unaskedfor experiences – enough to emotionally drain the best of us.
I hope the chemo goes as well as possible today. I do think you will feel better (relieved) once you get this first session over.
Although there will still be ups and downs the worst is over now. The cancer has been removed – think of the chemo as the mopping up process.
Hang in there!
I am so glad you are coming with me this morning, and that you took my first call last night. Hopefully you will come with me on Friday too!! Do you want me to come wig shopping??